Compay is an instrumental song. It’s meant to denote a feeling of saddling up and hauling ass. It’s got a latin feel to it. Minor chords and seven chords. Rather than lyrics, here’s the chord progression. Repeat this progression three time and that is the song. B7, Em, B7, Em, C, B7, Em C, B7, Em B7, Em, B7, Em D, G, B7, Em D, C , B7 B7, Em, B7, Em
Lydia drove me in the expensive SUV that her retired banker father bought for her to Calgary Alberta. The purpose of the trip to Calgary was to locate Gaspar. My numero uno compay. I would move mountains to have Gaspar back.
We arrived in the early evening of a Friday night with the sun now beginning to show autumnal traces. Lower angle in the sky, shorter nights, cooler breezes. The kind of night that demarcates the start of the end of summer.
We drove to a Raddison hotel in the city's northeast corner, not far from Calgary International Airport. I disliked the Raddison as soon as I laid eyes on it. Lydia parked her vehicle in the roundabout area next to the lobby entrance. We took an elevator to the thirteenth floor.
We walked down a hallway and turned left, then right, then right, then left. We were at room 1321. The door was propped open by the deadbolt which was turned outward. Lydia knocked twice and then said hello aloud. She didn’t wait for an answer before walking into the room. I followed her and didn’t say anything. I was nervous.
Dr. Craig Townsend and my dog Gaspar were in the hotel room. They were casually watching a Red Sox game on TSN. Craig was drinking a beer. He wore shorts and a singlet. Gaspar was without collar. They looked up at me. Gaspar cocked his head and then ran over to jump up on me. Craig got up from the bed and turned the TV off. I noticed then the packed bags by the TV stand.
Behind a closed door to the bathroom, I heard the sound of a flushing toilet. And then the door opened and out walked Chip. He looked relaxed and was half smiling. He walked by me and sat in a chair pointing toward the TV that was now off. He wore a Panama hat, Hawaiian shirt, and Air Jordan gym shorts.
I later learned this meeting Lydia brought me to had been planned over the past two weeks.
Craig was the first to speak. “Guess we should fill you in,” he said.
To which I said nothing. I was very confused by the scene in front of me. None of it; nothing that I saw: Gaspar, Craig, and Chip together in a hotel room as though they were all pals made sense.
Craig sensed this. It was then he reeled off the following narrative. Note: He never smiled, he never frowned, he never changed his voice from the gentle-flowing key to which he tuned the initial sentence. He never betrayed the slightest suspicion of enthusiasm; but all through the interminable narrative there ran a vein of impressive earnestness and sincerity, which showed me plainly that, so far from his imagining that there was anything ridiculous or funny about his story, he regarded it as a really important matter, and admired its heroes as men of transcendent genius in finesse. At first, the spectacle of a man drifting serenely along through such a yarn without ever smiling, was rather absurd. Later, I changed my mind.
“Few weeks ago, Thomas Hudson had a heart attack. Thomas Hudson was the man who was standing in for Frank White. That time they took you and me to the Springbank mansion. They being Kris and Wilson. The man you called Chip is Wilson. The man you called Biff is Kris. They are twin brothers and I’ve known them since we were all in our early twenties. We went to the same university. We were on the same floor in first year dorms. In that first year we started an improv comedy troupe. Thomas Hudson was one of the first guys who joined. We’ve been pranksters ever since. Serious pranks that involve a curious mix of improvisation and planning. Lots of "Yes, and…” thinking.
Thomas Hudson was returning to Australia because his trip was over. He was only in Canada for the one role in our scheme and once the job was done, he was back on his way back to Sydney. He was a very successful financial advisor. He managed over two-hundred million dollars. He invested mostly in the wild west bond market. The week he’d arrived back in Sydney he had a heart attack. He always had a horrible diet. And he worked too damn hard. He was a Calvinist.
It was heartbreaking to finally see his lifestyle catch up with him. And especially in the middle of an ongoing prank. See what I mean about improvising? We had to pivot based off that horrible news. We were crushed. Emotionally and spiritually. The four of us had been tight since ’68. Smoked dope together. Climbed mountains together. Surfed waves together. Chased skirts together. Made fortunes together. He more than any of us. We tried to pivot, but it wasn’t long before our whole raison d’être fell apart.
The seeds of the prank were planted in Talladega. What had happened was Gracie told me in that god-forsaken NASCAR stadium while you were getting us beers about how she was feeling cold about life in Canada. I never would’ve known, but she insisted that I return in the summertime because my presence alone reminded her of memories of back home. She missed her friends deeply. She missed home. She said she didn’t care to be “a string on your guitar.” Her words not mine.
Remember when you saw me arguing on my cell phone in the middle of the night in the parking lot of the Longleaf? That was me talking to Chip about this idea I had about doing a mistaken identity prank. I wanted to see if we could pull off a North by Northwest situation. You ever see that picture? Cary Grant? Grant plays an ad exec who gets mixed up in a scheme involving the CIA and foreign spies smuggling secrets out of the United States. Anyway it has always been my favourite picture and pulling off this type of prank had been a goal of mine for years. The boys of course were well aware of this. I don’t know why but as soon as Gracie told me she wanted to come home, it flashed across my mind that I had a perfect setup situation. Gracie was reluctant to give me the green light but eventually she did. She knew how much this meant to me. She has a sense of humour. You probably know this.
What made her go 100% behind the project was the thing that happened with Maurice. She was damn angry about the way you behaved and told me to do whatever the fuck I wanted. Her words not mine. By now I’d already been in advanced planning stages with the lads. That was what I was doing while in Vancouver. I didn’t see a damn thing in Vancouver except for the conference room of the West Hastings hotel, where I was staying. The original plan was to fly home to Australia from Vancouver. But then I thought, hell, when will we ever get an opportunity like this to do this bit. And to be able to include the alcohol bit. I know that was pretty nasty but I also knew you could take it like man. That sounds horrible I know but, hey, I’m a boomer. I take risks. I’m a doctor. I know how much booze a body like yours can handle. Same goes for me. I figured if we’re gonna get you blind drunk, I have to at least share in that misery.
The house? We found it on the Alberta film commission website. See, that house belongs to Frank White. We had no idea who he was. But it turns out Frank barely uses it and spends most of his time on a ranch near Waterton. He said he bought it as an investment property knowing how much he could make from letting the film industry rent it for shooting. So we rented it. The guns they had in our ribs were not real. No way would you be able to tell though. They were also from the Alberta film union’s gag inventory.
The whole car chase thing was also straight out of North by Northwest. The Panamera and the Miata were rented from the film union. We had a big budget for this prank. It’s an expensive hobby. Some people race amateur Formula 1. We do expensive pranks around the world. Those are stories for another time. Oh, and by the way, we kept this prank going for as long as we did if for no other reason than we couldn’t believe you hadn’t figured it out.
I “went missing” because I wanted to freely travel the Rockies while the bit continued. That left Wilson and Kris as the only two left that were boots on the ground. They kept telling me they were waiting for you to finally smile and say, okay boys now I get it. Well, that never happened. We thought you knew film. Guess not. Anyway, the bit continued.
The Parks Canada vehicle on the way out of Moraine Lake Road was not planned, I might add. That was an instance where we had to improvise. You can’t assume a plan will work spot on from start to finish. Things change. The unpredictable or unforeseen can and do happen. You need to be nimble to do what we do. We make Danny Ocean look clumsy. You need to be prepared but you also need to be ready to throw the plan out. That’s life, Cliff. One moment you’re a musician making millions off record sales. The next, you’re making nothing from records because some teenager created a system allowing for illegal digital file sharing.
Throughout life your cheese will be moved by forces out of your control. You need to recognize that as a fact of life and adjust your thinking, choices and mentality accordingly. For example Gracie wants to go home. How are you going to react to that? You’re looking at me as though that’s the first you’ve heard of that. I’ll let her explain. She’s awaiting your call after this meeting is complete.
As for the housekeeper calling you Mr. McMahon? As for the clothes that were all too small in the Banff Springs Hotel room?
As for the picture in the Pioneer of Frank White circled with a red marker? As for the phone call from the lobby? Accomplishing those things involved simply tipping hotel staff accordingly. We are wealthy and we have big budgets for our pranks. I will say nothing more about the financial side of our venture.
We had no idea who Lydia was. It was dumb luck that she was the one who sold you Gaspar. It was even more dumb luck that she was Frank White’s daughter. And it was incredibly coincidental that she was at the Banff Springs the night of the gala. She’d overheard Wilson and Kris talk at the buffet. They had mentioned something about “the musician playing” which Lydia had heard by mere chance while picking out a dessert. She wanted to know what these guys were saying, thinking it would be about how he played. But they instead were talking about her dad’s house in Springbank and about something going on back in Australia with a guy named Thomas Hudson.
So then Lydia confronted them and eventually she was let in on the secret because they thought maybe you would figure it out if she was purposefully clumsy about the secret. But she was never clumsy about it because she liked the illusion happening in front of her and being privy to it. She wants us to mentor her so she can do similar pranks. I think she’ll be a pro. She likes how it appears to make our lives more interesting. She’s not wrong. So, yes, she was in on the whole thing even before you guys hit the road to Revelstoke.
I had Gaspar this whole time. I had him because Gracie knew I wanted him and it worked perfectly to make your life more confusing. We’ll do virtually anything to make the bit more ironclad. You assumed Gracie took him. And that was good because his disappearance further concealed the North by Northwest plot. As I said, one of the biggest risks I assumed was that you’d recognize the plot points from the film. Everyone’s seen North by Northwest. Come on, Cliff. You can do better.
As for Gaspar, you’ll be happy to know I took him hiking everywhere. He’s a hell of an athlete. Strong shoulders. Good wind. Powerful legs. I took him many places in the Rocky Mountains. I can see why you like this dog.
But we leave Calgary International in four hours. Yes, we are flying home. The funeral for Thomas Hudson is in a couple of weeks. I need to help plan it. It’s going to be massive. He was beloved. He had four different wives and seven children, all in their teens and twenties. I’m giving the eulogy. Thomas Hudson was Irish. The wake will be a big party. There will be pranks that still need planning. I’m restless and relentless.
Our plane leaves soon. Gaspar needs to go back to his rightful owner. I can’t take him to Australia though I thought about it. He’s a fine dog. Best damn dog I have ever known. To hell with those who dismiss the French Bulldog on account of athletic inferiority. Take him and go see Gracie. She’s in Banff.
Cliff, it’s been a pleasure to know you, young man. I’m sorry things aren’t working out between you and my daughter. That’s out of my control. I don’t blame you. I don’t blame her. Sometimes people come together. Sometimes they move apart. These things happen.
Now. You’ve overstayed your welcome in this hotel room. The both of you.
Please leave at once with Gaspar. The time is now for us to check out and go through security.”
The door closed behind us. I had Gaspar on a leash. Lydia was to my right. We walked down the hallway of the thirteenth floor of the airport Radisson.
The sun was setting on our way from the airport to the mountains. We didn’t talk much. There was plenty to talk about. I was too shell-shocked to have a conversation. Gaspar slept in Lydia’s lap in the front seat. I was driving her car. I needed to have control over something, anything at that moment. A vacuum had opened up. When someone tells you what Craig had just told me, you feel like Jim Carrey at the end of The Truman Show.
My world had been totally rearranged in a matter of minutes. I was disoriented. The steering wheel became my port, my safe haven.
Any port in a storm.
~~
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